my thoughts

Silent tears fall down a covered face



i just dont know what i'm suppose to do, it takes time i guess yes, i thought i was out of love and just loved, but i guess i was wrong. I need you still too and i still want you, but it cant and wont work right now and we both know that, but i want it to. I also want to be with the other one. Why why does this have to happen. I love you i do and i want to be free from it all or never to leave it. Do you feel the same way or are you just off getting faded and not feeling a thing? Thats possible too cuz i've been there. I really just want you to be happy and i want ot be happy to, but i dont know if i can be happy if we talk becuase i love you and when i talk to you it brings everything back and i want that but i cnat have it and you cnat have it either until you grow up and figure out that i was and am going ot be the bset thing in your life.

I just dont know what to do anymore. I just want to be able to stop thinking. I hate thinking so much and i hate what all it intales. Last night was so much fun and i had a great time and I really didnt want to stop anything, but I knew I had to. I'm so sick of being pulled around by it all, but I love him, I really do. What am I suppose to do. I like or liked this other guy but I dont know if i'm pushing him away or if just figuring out what or who he is is making me push hm away. Today it just got to me, how he was acting and being all moody, I dont like it when guys are all moody and I cant make them feel better. Its lame I know but if you like me and I like you then I want to be able to brigthen your day, specially if just seeing me can do that for you. Well I dont think I can do this with this person.


Oh yeah and what the fuck is with him askin if I still wanted him to go to the wedding with me. You said you didn't want to go, I dont get you at all. You say you dont like me like that anymore, yet when you haven't seen or talked to me for a week you miss me and want to hang out. Its hard to not be around me and not date me....PLEASE figure it out, i'm sick sitting here waiting. And really I should just walk away now...but I CANT...why the fuck cant i just walk away from you....Thats my question of life right now....FUCK

who the hell knew that i would be so freakin happy about all things...i mean this was my life and ment everything to me and now i could care less that we aren't together and ya know it feels so fucking great to be free of everything and have my happiness back and the life i use to know when nothing really mattered and someone didn't contro it whether they ment to or not. life has never been better and i'm not going to give that up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nothing is as it was and never will be again...nothing is how i wanted and never will be again


how do u cope with this shit?

I had the hardest time sleeping last night...i guess i'm more stressed and worried than i really thought i was. Fuck, i have such a long day ahead of me and all i want is to go to sleep. Hopefully i can cram a nap in sometime today and not during class:-/

After today...two papers, two tests and four days....FUCK YES

So even though its was very weird and out of place...i just had such a real dream that i wish was completly true. Man, this dream is really not the first time i've had this premise. I woke up so upset that it wasn't real. It made everything from this weekend feel so much better because i knew how he felt nad i knew that is was all going to be ok. Maybe its after i talk to him after having problems and he's the sweetest person ever taht i have dreams like this. I mean talkin to him last night he told me cant wait to see me, but is that really something to get to excited about? I mean common a lot of ppl say that. It could just be that we are close and thats it and thats all it is for him. I dont know, but if my dreams ever have a chance of coming true, then i sure as hell hope that this is the one that comes true for me.

5 days, 2 papers and 2 finals with two days of moving and i'm HOME:-d


YAY FOR SUMMER

It seems like not so long ago i was at home in the worst moods packing up my only room and now i'm here again, granted with a better mood. But its that time, i'm starting to pack up things. Its weird, i'm moving out of my first second home, something that got so farmilar with isn't going to be mine next year, slightly odd. I am so happy to be going home but i'm very sad to be leaving portland. I love being up here nad things but i'm so missing everyone back home. It will be interesting to see how much i really miss ashland next year with the one person i really only missed up here. like i always say, only time can tell. God all i want ot do is sleep for like two days...cant always get what ya want...oh well

So today i got something in the mail that took me by complete suprise. I got an application for Miss Oregon. Now normally i wouldn't think anything of it but it was to me as Cate, which might not seem odd to anyone else, but when i get things in the mail that are just a joke it comes as Catharine, see as that my real name and i use it for legal and importnat documents. Well after lookin it over and talkin to my mom and jess, i've decided to send in my appilcation. This doesnt really mean anything, seeing as i have to be accepted first. But i think it would be awesome and such a good time to actually be able to do something like this. I've always done sports and been such a tom boy all my life that doing a padgent would change things up and be exciting. I was really happy to cuz there is no bathing suit portion, i dont like many people seeing me in my bathings suit, not ok. Well i have nine days untill i'm done with my first year of college and it just seem so nice but really weird at the same time. I cant wait for summer and to see what next year brings!!!

I had one of those dreams last night that was so freakin real and then i woke up and just wanted to start crying becuase i thought it might have happened. I get those alot lately and i am wondering if its like a sign about things. i dont think so because really usually after they happen i have a call that reassures my worries. I dont know Its just not very fun to have the person you love tell you there is no chance and to stop acting like we're together. I found my self like 5 weeks ago having one of these dreams and just waking up sobbing. I dont think that this is a good thing. I Was also in the same room with my mom so it's not like i could openly express my feelings at 4 in the morning. I really wish that summer would come because i'd not be as stressed out and i'd be home and not have to worry about the things that i do right now. I just think that maybe being home will change a few things. I dont really know tho, and i wont know till the fall and its killing me, its been six months and i'm still dieing on the inside everytime i hear things. Shouldn't i have gotten over it? Sure if it was only that easy and things were always said and actions didn't happen, i could have gotten over it, but how is some one suppose to get over something when that something wont let them either. I just donnt know anymore i just dont know......ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG...thats how i feel about this subject...figure it out please

Fucking midterms and rain...thats all i have to say at this early hour of 8. But yay for shopping after the midterm....oh and fuck money issues and bills:-d Wish me luck on the midterm

So its been a while, and well its not that i haven't been posting, i have just not here...

i just tpyed this huge thing out and lost it...

i'm gunna cry

and now i'm going to bed because its all gone

so today i got a message on myspace today, from someone i know but at the same time dont know. It was about everything that has be going on with me and it was weird to hear it from this person, i'm not sure what to say back, what appropriate or if i should just do what she was asking me in the message, but really it took me by such suprise and especially what she was saying, i'm not sure how to take it and everything really i guess everything she said was true well i think so and even tho she knows him well i also think she doesn't because well i have my reasons, but i dont know why but she just took me so much by suprise and i just cant figure out what to do about it, maybe this is just a sign that i really do have to move on...but fuck i still can't...

Everythig was fine last night and then i was doing so well and i still am but its all so fucking complicated, no matter how much i tell my self i'm getting over you, i just can't, its not like you make it any easier on me and thats not what i want because today was so wonderful and i wouldn't have traded my day for anything but i am just sittin here listening to music and just being so fucking confused because i thought i was starting to get over and go to a new guy but i think i should end it with this other guy because i'm afraid that i'm just going to fuck with him and i dont want to be that type of girl who just fucks with people and if i do or have done it to anyone i'm so sorry because i've been fucked with before and it sucks balls.

I am leaving in less than three weeks and i'm scared beyond belief i dont know what i'm going to do, i dont know how i'm going ot deal wihtout my best friends by my side everyday and being able to jet down to their houses and see whats up i mean i'm going to be living with two awesome girls but one of my best friends will be more than two days away the other 5 hours still in ashland and the last in Eugene, i'm so happy she is going to be tehre because i dont know what i'd do if i couldn't see that girl, she's helped me through so much this year and without her i think i might be in a ditch some where.

Its weird to believe that summer is almost gone from my grasp, it seemed like just yesterday i was packing for hawaii and getting on that plane. Next was just spending time with martin and being able to be with him until that horrible day that we split and from then on things seemed to have flown by and i think it's partly because i've been working so much and secondly is because i dont do anything, i've become so anti-social because i jsut dont want to be around anyone i read harry potter for like two weeks straight and thats just not right. I dont know, i think i just need to figure things out and either know whats going on with you or get over it with you but thats defintely not what i want to do, i do want to go sleep or read so i'm going to go do that right now

i just dont know what to do anymore, last night i was driving home from trying to find a cd and a song came on that had to do with NOTHING and i just started bawling, i couldn't stop and it got worse, i just dont know what to do, i try and tell myself its going to be ok but some how i dont believe it or i really dont know but i just cant help feeling right now that everything is shitty, all i want to do right now is be alone too, last night (tuesday) i spent my night working and then i was in my room cleaning and packing becasue i didn't want to be with anyone and thats how its going to be tonight i know it. I dont want to do anything, i have no energy and i just feel like a part of me is missing and i dont know what to do to get that back or if its every going to come back, becasue right now i just feel empty. I'm not asking you to rush to my side and walk me through this, i'm asking nothing, this is purely for my sake of being able to release what i'm feeling inside and not have to worry bout what ppl say, sure you can say i'm baby and post something but i dont care because i'm being honest. I have had so many people telling me that this is the best for me and i'm going to have so much fun in college but what if thats not true, i mean its probably going to be true but what if no matter how hard i try, i still cant feel complete inside and i still have that sense of lonelyness? I have already been so close to things i dont even want to say in my past which no one knows about that i dont want to go there again. I have tried so hard to stay happy and i have definetly gone to get aid with my happiness, i have been partying and drinkin alot and then i just realized that its going to do nothing for me in the end so why am i bothering. Yes its a wonderful thing while im in the moment but the next morning you either wake up regretting things(not saying i have just happens) or feeling seriously ill. I just dont want to be dependant on something, i just dont know what to do anymore and i know that being alone ins't going to help it and probably being with him is really not going to help but thats all i want is to see him, cept most times i walk away crying and i dont want to cry anymore, i let enough tears fall over him but they still keep coming...i think i'm going to stop right now but i definetly will add to this later, if anymore want just comment i dont care...

i'm really sick of my brother right now, ok so twice i have blown him off and gone and done other things and YES i do feel bad about it and well tonight i am acutally going and hanging out with him but its' my mom's bday and well i have work in the morning so i cant stay too late i get fuckin tired i right now i feel like i'm going to cry and i'm about to because i dont want him to get mad at me but i have responislbities and i have to get up at the butt crack of dawn and go to work its not like him who gets to sleep in and then go to work and i work a double which isn't exactly what i'd like to be doing wiht him fuckin summer, but anytime i say something i get a nasty look or kind of sigh bout how i cant stay too late becasue i will be tired, fuck you drew i'm sorry that i am responsible to myself and that i know when i need to get sleep and really right now i dont want to go play video games with you when your being an asshole to me and i'm just bein fuckin truthful what the fuck is that all about? god damn this is making me so mad right now and i should be out there with my family having a good time but he is just getting to me right now and i just cant take it, i know he likes to kid around with me too but after a while i want him to stop and i ask nicely and when he doesn't stop i start to loose it and then i get in trouble because i cant control how i act around other ppl, well everyone can just fuck off if they think that my brother is the perfect lil angel and i always do thigns wrong...so fuck off

so i had to work today and that wasn't bad because i only worked this evening. I told me brother i would stop by later tonight and give him his presents but i guess he thought or i said that i would also play video games with him, but i dont know and now he is mad at me, which is lame because he still has drew who he hasn't seen in like a week so he can hang out with him and they can go drink or do whatever they want to do, so get off my back for having a life drew.

My aunt and uncle(i think) are coming this weekend, i'm really happy about that becasue i love them so much and they live in porltand and that is were i am going next year for school and i'll get to see them often which makes me so happy!

I really want summer to end quickly becuase of work but i know that once summer is over i'm going to be so sad becasue i'm going to have to leave everthing i've known for the past 18 years of my life and the most important things in my life are going with me up there, i mean i do have two good friends up there but i know i'm going to be lonely for a lil while and i'm not going to be able to come down as often as i'm going to like but i guess that it'll make it that much sweeter when i do come down. I dont know whats going on in that sense either because i jsut dont want to bring it up, i think about it and just let it pass through my mind because i dont want to have to think or worry about it even though i might be ten times worse when it comes up at the end of the summer.

Things are really starting to fall into place with the townhouse and everything and now and again i find myself thinking if i'm really going to be able to deal with all the responislilties that i have put on myself this first year away form home. I mena i'm going to have to be paying bills every month and keeping up on my school work and if i decided that i need to get a job i'll have to be responsible to that also. I just feel at times that i'm diggin myself in to this fattier than fat hole and i'm not going to be able to get out of it without shooting my self in the foot. I just hope that my fears dont come true and i think if i dont think aobut them or believe that they can come true then i will have a better chance of making it all work.

Blah, i just dont know what to think right now about a lot of things, weird thoughts have been going to through me head and i am trying to not think about them but i'm not sure if its a sign of things for if i'm just getting nervous about leaving and sad, but we'll see what all happens in the end and if i can truely make it on my own and prove to everyone that i can do it and i do have common sense, thanks drew...:-/

ok so i'm so tired right now its not even funny, i've been working so much lately. I work doubles which usally adds up to about 8-9 hours a day and 10 hours no sundays, its not a fun deal, i get a lot of money though and thats' always nice

I went to hawaii this past week and i think that was the best thing ever! I had so much fun i couldn't believe it, there was so much drama over there still but i tried to stay away from it. i missed martin alot because we didn't see each other for like two weeks which seemed like the longest time ever!

I cant wait for the fourth of july i think its' going ot blow though because i have to work the next morning and i think i have to work that night which would suck also, i dunno i might be able to weasle my way out of it wiht my dad, considering he is my boss hahahaha

Steph elaina and i got our townhouse, its so freakin nice and i'm so excited to get away from ashland and sad actually at the same time becasue i'm going to miss martin and other friends and my parents at times but not most of the time but this town house kicks some serious ass, we have three bedrooms a nice living room and a sweet kitchen, its going to be the best thing ever.

ok well i think i should go get some laundry done since i haven't done anything since i left for hawaii and have absolutly NO clothes

so like my fuckin subject say yeah tahts the truth fuck i know we all say things and aren't always nice but seriously do not fuckin trash me to a friend of mine MORE than once and not expect it to get to me and then also pretend like you still are my friend...that is just not cool if you want to say something to me and think that i need to know somemthing then tell me to my face and not to my friends....UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH fuck seriously ppl i know i'm not always mature but grow up and learn how to deal with things

ok its been way too long since i've posted...updates things are good but suck at the same time...i need to get out of school, its driving me up the wall crazy, i dont want to work on my 18 bday but i have no choice in the matter and the worst of it all is its about the busiest day of the year...prom is in two weeks and i'm so excited its driving me crazy, i haven't been able to hang out with martin this weekend which is also driving me crazy becasue well i love him and like to see him at least one night of the weekend for more than a half hour...but yeah i dunno i'm tired so thats the shortened version i guess once softball is over i will have time which will be niec and i'll do things...but for now i'm off to bed

Uh i feel like crap, i dont care about anything or anyones bitching and i just want to feel better, i hate that i get sick so easily, i'm trying to think i'm not sick because Martin is right when you say your not sick you can convince yourself that you arn't and get better. I dunno i just dont feel well...i think that i'm going to go to bed tho i hope everyone is have a good start to april...


Less than 50 days till GRADUATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!